PEOPLE should never ask Will Self how his new book is going while he is writing it.

Not unless they want to end up as one of a number of dead bodies littering his study that is.

The author was giving this little titbit of advice as he spoke to a full house at the Arts Centre as part of the Festival of Literature.

"I was writing this book for a couple years, and it is one of many curses in this miserable profession that is being an author," he said.

His latest novel, The Book Of Dave, is a story about a London cabbie who is separated from his wife and son, so writes a book for the youngster and buries it in the garden.

Only not everything goes to plan and hundreds of years into the future it is found and becomes a bible for a futuristic race. Will treated the audience to a reading from the opening of the novel, and promised if everyone was well-behaved he would offer a glimpse into the future. And while most of the audience sat listening attentively, from the middle of the auditorium came an increasingly loud snoring.

Yet Will, ever the professional, carried on undeterred. There was also a chance to ask him anything.

"I'm big enough, the question is are you?"

Questions ranged from what authors have inspired him to what it was like taking heroin on John Major's press jet.

And he even offered free carpet shampoos and car waxes to people who didn't enjoy the book.

Sadly it was a one-night offer only.

What's coming up

Today

Patrick's Florilegium at the Arts Centre, Devizes Road 12.30pm Guitar Man at Arts Centre, Devizes Road 6pm Happiness at the Museum and Art Gallery, Bath Road 6pm Rousseau's Dog at the Museum and Art Gallery, Bath Road 7.30pm Preparing for Paraguay at the Arts Centre, Devizes Road 8pm

Tomorrow

Songs that tell stories at the Old Railway Museum, Faringdon Road 11am Anna Massey at the Arts Centre, Devizes Road 12.30pm As Luck would Have It at the Old Railway Museum, Faringdon Road 2pm Swindon Slam and Quick Quip Quiz at the Town Hall, Regent Circus 8pm