Breaking the cycle of guilt

As she stared at the glass, she was filled with fear because she knew this was the only way of breaking the obsessive cycle that had brought her to the verge of death.

Even her family tried to shock her into action by telling her she would die if she didn't change.

It was only when she collapsed while she was visiting friends and had to be rushed to hospital that the full enormity of what she had got herself into hit her.

An eating disorder is often a lonely illness but the condition has gained a higher profile through famous sufferers such as Princess Diana and singer Lena Zavaroni, who died as a result of the illness.

But Swindon's Eating Disorder Recovery Group, which is celebrating its first birthday, is making sure anyone who wants help has regular access to it.

Charlotte not her real name is a member.

"I was an athletic person but I was worried about the shape of my body," she said.

"I felt a pressure to be slim but not from anyone else, just from myself.

"I started to binge on food, just anything I could get my hands on. I would eat loads and then I'd feel guilty so I would make myself sick.

"Afterwards I felt pleased that I had been sick because I knew I had got rid of the food.

"It's a secret illness. You don't want anyone to know what your doing.

"I cut myself off from a lot of people because I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing.

"I avoided situations like going out for meals with people because it was too difficult.

"Food and body image occupied all my thoughts, it became the main thing in my life.

"I did want to stop making myself ill but I couldn't give it up. It was an addiction just like smoking, drinking or gambling is for other people.

"Before I was about eight stone but at my lowest I dropped down to about five stone.

"I felt weak and tired all the time and my periods stopped.

"I knew I didn't look good but nothing made any difference.

"When I was around my family I'd try to cover up how I looked by wearing baggy clothes.

"My family did try to help me but unless you want to change no one can do anything for you.

"Out of frustration my parents would say I was going to die to try to shock me, but it didn't.

"I was visiting some friends when I collapsed and was rushed to hospital.

"For the first time I realised how ill I was.

"I thought I was going to die, so did the doctors. My organs had just started to shut down.

"I was on the verge of dying and that's what made me try to get help."

And now she is on the road to recovery.

"I have been having treatment but I have had to change mentally as well," she said.

"I had to learn to eat again. The first thing I had to have was a glass of milk and I just looked into the glass and cried. I was so scared to drink it but I knew I had to, so I did.

"Now I have had help from counsellors and a dietician so I am eating small amounts.

"I have started to gain weight and I'm feeling a lot better.

"But the recovery process takes a long time.

"I'm feeling a lot better. I do still think about it but it's not the most important thing in my life anymore."

She now attends regular sessions with the group and is an inspiration for many members.

Claire Adams, one of the group's facilitators, said: "We have up to 20 people, both men and women, coming along to the group and at each meeting we have one or two new members join us."

She wanted to thank the people who have helped the group get off the ground, including members, the Well Woman Centre, Michael Griffin, of UK Office Direct in Highworth, Kall Kwik, Peter and Isabel Southerden from Eastcott Veterinary Hospital, Sue Grigg, of Apollinium Charitable foundation, and Charles and Jeanie Wright, of Watchfield.

Swindon's Eating Disorder Recovery Group meets at the Well Woman Centre in the Health Hydro, Milton Road, every second and fourth Wednesday of every month from 6.45pm to 8.30pm.

As well as support the group also organises social events and guest speakers.

Call 01793 511064 for more information.